Four reasons why children demand negative attention

Tears ran down his cheeks. He said he almost hated his son and it kept getting worse. Why did his son have to disrupt the harmony within the family so much? Why did he eventually have to break up every pleasant day? Why couldn't his son act normal like his brothers and sisters? Why didn't any way to deal with his son help?

He was desperate and he really didn't remember. He was about to quit and give up his son. Only the boy was only seven years old.

The children whereby nothing helps

In many families there is a child who is left behind. The child challenges parents to expand their parenting skills. Where siblings comply with the authority of their parents, this child defies the rules and agreements, plays pranks and drives parents to despair. How is it possible that some children are so left out and a pattern of negativity and strife develops within the family? How is it possible that it seems that some children cannot be adjusted in any way? That it doesn't seem to matter whether they are severely punished or not?

Too little skills of the child

Difficult behavior starts very young. Most children automatically learn how to behave. They adapt and respond flexibly to changes. They have feelers for the boundaries of parents and learn to respond in a good way to the signals of their parents. The clearer a parent is in their limits of what can and cannot be done, the easier it is for a child.

Children who do not do things naturally do not understand their parents' messages or how to respond. Toddlers and pre-schoolers do not yet know what "normal" is and how to do it. Children must learn to understand their emotions and do not have the words for everything that goes on in their stomach and head. If they still do not understand exactly what the parent wants, then things go wrong. The child gets a short circuit, acts cross and becomes unmanageable.

Learning a language is often a big step forward. Then comes understanding what is expected, negotiating everyone's different needs, and dealing with disappointment.

Too little insight from parents

Many parents think that their child is deliberately challenging them and being cheeky. This is certainly never the case with young children. What the child does is try to understand what the parent wants. When parents are angry with the child, the child wants to make amends. However, if the child lacks the skills to do so and the parent thinks the child is bullying, you have war.

What many parents don't realize is that they say one thing with words and the opposite with their feelings. Children mainly "hear" what parents say with their stomach and heart and are confused by this. That's why they challenge parents to say what they feel.

When parents investigate what their child actually wants to say to them and what their needs are, a lot changes. As a parent you simply react differently when you realize that your child wants to belong, needs safety and boundaries or just a little say and freedom. You no longer have to take it personally when your child says something bad, but you can help your child express their need in better ways.

Negative attention is also attention

In the heat of battle, we all forget that it doesn't matter to a child what color is on the lookout. Attention is of vital importance and how it is received does not matter. Unfortunately, there are many children who lose confidence in positive attention because they are so used to negative attention. They have learned to distrust positive attention and seek confirmation of their existence mainly in negative attention. This can last a lifetime.

The black sheep

In many families there are black sheep. These are children who attract negativity as if they were a black hole. They are blamed for everything that goes wrong in a family. Parents say there is harmony when they are not there. It is precisely because these children take on the black role that others can be innocent.

After all, is there someone who is to blame for everything that goes wrong? Then the difficult and the easy in a family are arranged and clear?

How about the father?

With this father I especially explored his impotence and the needs of his son and himself. What this father was allowed to learn was to help his son through difficult situations. Learning to respond with understanding and help instead of impotence and anger. We investigated how he could give this practical shape and how he could maintain this.

It wasn't easy, but it was worth breaking the negative pattern between them while the little boy was so young. So that he could be the father he wanted to be instead of the impotent angry man who reacted like an angry child to his son's anger.