What to do if your child is being teased

"And the teacher does nothing about it ……"

Both parents look with furrowed brows. They are angry and frustrated because their son is being teased. He regularly comes home sad. According to the teacher there is nothing wrong and he is good in the group, but his resilience may be a bit higher.

Needs of children

Children need attention, that they are competent and belong. The latter requires, among other things, that they relate socially to other children, conform to the whole, respond empathetically to other children and be resilient when necessary.

It is not easy for all children to find a place in the group.

This does not involve an adult and it regulates itself between children

Adults should provide a safe setting and they create the conditions for everyone to participate.

And yet sometimes things go wrong and there are children who:

• don't fit into the group

• shut themselves out by their way of reacting

• desperately trying to fit in

• seem to draw in all negativity

• the bobbin for annoying comments

• cannot be chosen for play and gym

Almost every child knows the experience of not being allowed to belong

Even if it is only because you are not invited to a party, do not know how to solve that sum or that you are not allowed to participate in tag.

Dealing with rejections

It is different how experiences of rejection affect a child. If your child is very sensitive to being allowed to belong, rejection will explode. If your child has a great sense of justice and is not allowed to participate, he can become very angry, which in turn causes others to react dismissively.

During the day there are many situations that trigger your child and to which he must have an adequate response. If your child is vulnerable and does not respond as well, other children are very tough. They want to play, keep going and don't want any nagging.

Children love to challenge and tease each other. If your child does not respond well to this, a game is created which can become an annoying pattern.

What can a child learn

It has been my experience that all children want to have good relationships with one another and want to do their best for it. When things go wrong at school and a child feels teased or bullied, adults have a great urge to solve it outside of the child. The child is put down as a victim.

A good analysis of what is happening between the children and what skills they lack that are causing things to go wrong should be a first priority. This prevents further escalation.

The first step is to investigate what is happening to your child who is afflicted with teasing and bullies. Can your child:

• estimate how a comment is intended?

• quietly walk away when he is not allowed to play?

• comments do not take themselves personally, but ignore them?

• relaxed talking and playing with classmates?

• rebuttal if necessary?

• Say no?

• ask another child something?

What you often see in a troubled child is that he moves uncomfortably among the other children, has little confidence in his own social skills and feels inadequate to respond "well". This child tends to overreact to other children's challenges and thinks he is screwed.

Your role as a parent

It will only be your child: regularly coming home sad because other children are "faint", exclude your child or even hurt them. As a parent you are not there and it is almost impossible to bear to remain neutral. You only want one thing and that is that your child belongs and is not sad.

Each parent responds differently to their child who says they are being teased or bullied. One parent says he should not act, other parents advise to fight back, with or without physical violence. Still other parents say their child should ignore the hassle and there are parents who go to school to hold the teacher to account.

Or parents do it all at once.

The fact is, not responding to your sad child is not a choice. As a parent, you have to do something with it if your child is not feeling well at school.

Unfortunately, the advice given to your child is not going to work. Usually your child simply does not (yet) have the skills to follow your advice, otherwise this problem would not exist. Because the advice ignores your child, what he needs and especially what he can learn, they do not arrive.

Your history as a parent

Another important point to consider is what history you have as a parent yourself of being teased and bullied. If you as a parent have also been screwed in class as a child, you are very alert to whether the same happens to your child. Because no parent wants their child to experience the misery you experienced as a child. Unfortunately, there is often too little attention for this, so that you as a parent again feel left out in the cold and your child does not receive the right help.

As a parent, it makes perfect sense to ask or demand that school let other children stop teasing and bullying so that your child can be happy again. Unfortunately, this step is also doomed to fail.

The role of school

School must be a safe environment for every child.

Point.

And yet, despite all the bullying protocols and other measures, there are still children who feel bullied and teased.

In order to find a solution, it is necessary to keep the focus on your child. Where the interests of the child have disappeared, a struggle arises between parents and school. All energy and efforts are focused on the relationship between school and parents. They no longer trust each other enough and there will be no solution. They blame each other all over the child's head.

Example of a solution

First map out what is happening at school that makes him so sad. Find out that he finds a number of social intercourse skills very difficult. A boy is very concerned when things are said that he does not think are right.

Mother especially recognizes the powerlessness because she also knew this from when she was a child. She is very afraid that he will be bullied. She thinks that father is way too hard on him.

We make a plan together what their son can learn and how they can help him with this.

• What is a good way for mother to respond when he comes home sad?

• What can father do to make him more resilient and teach him to deal with annoying comments?

• How can they together make him feel heard in his need?

• How can they challenge him to respond more appropriately to incidents?

Finally, we are talking about the teacher. They now understand her response and recognize that their son is loved in his own way. They are going to make an appointment with the teacher and bring their plan with them. They are going to ask for help from the teacher to help their son learn to deal better with what he finds so difficult with the other children.