What to do with fathers....

It is something with fathers and children. Every person has to deal with his father, whether he is there or not. One day you will run into him.

They were no longer allowed to see their father

I thought of the two sisters who hadn't seen their father for years because their parents were arguing. When I reminisced with them, they radiated and became more and more enthusiastic. They told about a dad who was joking. Who took them to school and read to them in the evening.

Now Daddy was a monster. Mamma said he wouldn't take good care of them. It was his fault that they were having such a hard time now and that Mom was doing not so good.

Their father had to give them up

I thought of the boys who had been sent away by their fathers. They were evicted or ignored at home. Because they were too difficult for their father through rebellious behavior.

And then they sat in front of me. Deeply sad under their anger. Sent away by their father. Too young, they were forced to learn the lesson that Daddy couldn't handle. That father did not know how to be a father. That is why you must now learn that you are okay.

He had to be the best

I thought of the father and his son. The father who, above all, wanted his son to be the best. The father with his flashy career who was not satisfied with mediocrity. The kid who was too weak in father's eyes and gave up too quickly.

Father wanted the answers and help from me to turn his son into a man. He first got a few questions :

"Who do you work so hard for?"

"What should your son make up for you?"

"Who thinks you passed if your son passed?"

The single mother who had been abandoned by her father

I thought of the mother who was having such a hard time. Three children of the same number of men. Children who challenged her. Her tendency to keep bringing in a "bad" man who left her anyway. How brave she was fighting for her children.

I asked her about her father. He was the first man to abandon her. The realization that she had not been important enough to him to keep in touch made her deeply sad. She angrily told me that he had only given money. What a difference it made when we came to the conclusion that money is love too. When all else cannot flow, money can still be a token of love.

All those children and all those fathers

I thought of all those phrases that had come up in my work as a youth protector, as a coach and trainer. Just a few words, but often with so much meaning.

"My father doesn't want that."

"My father also has performance anxiety."

"He's an asshole."

"He always looks so angry."

"He wants me to do gymnasium."

"I miss him so much."

All those sentences, often pronounced as a parenthesis, but oh so important. Those short sentences with an opinion or a fact about the father. Such a sentence that often contains the pain of a whole life. How much I have heard them and they are all now in my head.

The Father Factor

The reason all these children and adults pop up in my head has to do with the book The Father Factor by Stephan B. Poulter. From the first page I can't help but nod. Throughout the book "oh yes, that's exactly how it works" keeps haunting my mind.

"If your father has died, it does not mean that the feelings about that relationship are dead. Many of the important relationships in our life are timeless. We carry the influence of those relationships in our thoughts and in our hearts. "

"People tend to underestimate how much influence their father has on their lives."

When you have to make a decision, you can hear your father in your mind. The same thing happens if you do something that your father used to tell you about. Or when you received a compliment. It does not matter whether you are 8 or 84.

Sometimes I want to scream

When divorced parents tell me their kids don't need the other parent, I feel so helpless. How can I make it clear to these parents that every child needs both parents for its development? Especially for his future. In the book it emerges page after page:

"The absence of fathers is usually particularly noticeable when it comes to matters such as work ethic, ambition and relationship with managers. Fathers are important to their children and children have a natural need for their father's involvement in their lives. "

"The reality is that all sons and daughters want a relationship with their father. We must recognize that we need an emotional connection with our father. There is a void when we ignore this natural impulse. "

"We all long for the approval of our fathers, regardless of our age. Approval is part of our psychological connection and is naturally part of the dynamic between father and child. "

I have spoken often and often with children and adults who got stuck somewhere because of a lack of their father. That which is not there gets so much extra charge. We deprive children of the opportunity to be whole if they are not allowed to meet their father, no matter how uneducated he may be.

Your father, what do you do with it?

As I continue reading the book, I regularly think about my father. I remember how difficult that relationship was at times. I read about paternity styles, about present and absent fathers, about the rules of fathers and how to bring all of that into your adult life.

The Father Factor is a book that everyone should read. The influence of fathers and how much of an impact this has on your life is beautifully discussed in the book. I come across the examples every day in my work. I hope that I can often uncover connections in the love between fathers and children. Whatever that love looks like, it's there. Children may learn how to interpret this love in their own life.